The following is a brief piece I wrote for my Anthropology lab detailing my strong conviction that Michelle Bachmann is an otherworldly entity whose sole purpose for existing is to destroy the planet earth. I patched it together in about 20 minutes not knowing that I’d be forced to read it in front of the class. Many laughs were had.
Question: Why is Michelle Bachmann such an evil twit?
Hypothesis: Michelle Bachmann is an eldritch succubus set loose to destroy the earth and everything therein.
How would one test this hypothesis?
In order to answer this question, I need to deliver a necessary primer as to what constitutes a succubus. A succubus is typically defined as a (female) demon who seduces male subjects with dubious lies and engages in sexual activity with them in order to drain them of their life force and/or seed. Succubi are known for their bipolar temperament, and observing Michelle Bachmann’s behavior we see that:
- Michelle Bachmann is a compulsive liar
- Michelle Bachmann is a horribly unpleasant human being (?)
- Michelle Bachmann drains the intelligence and/or gnostic aura from her followers, turning them into pitiful husks of their former selves- prone to fits of delusion and incapable of distinguishing fantasy from reality.
- Michelle Bachmann –perhaps in a less literal sense of the term- is fucking us all. Hard and fast. Without protection.
For the sake of fairness, I must point out that Michelle Bachmann fails to meet several criterion necessary for being deemed a succubus. For example, sources indicate that unlike a succubus, Michelle Bachmann hasn’t engaged in satisfying coitus since well before the Regan administration. This becomes clear when one develops the fortitude to stare into her icy, necrotic eyes for 15 minutes. Indeed, several independent scientific studies have confirmed that it’s acutely unlikely for someone who experiences frequent orgasms to have the eyes of a ghoulish baby-eater.
In addition, this hypothesis fails to account for female supporters of Michelle Bachmann, although current available data indicates that they pose a marginal threat since their husbands haven’t given them permission to vote, and they’ve got shit to clean anyhow.
Given the aforementioned considerations, it’s highly unlikely that Michelle Bachmann is a succubus. However, scientific investigation may later out her as a psychic vampire, an escaped wraith from the unquenchable fire, or an incarnation of the dark lord Cthulu, working in cahoots with Ann Coulter.